Tuesday, September 04, 2007

And there off

Both the girls are at their respective schools as I type this. I can not be certain that I have come to grips with all of my feeling about the fact that they are both now enrolled in school. Although Molly will only be going to school two days a week for half a day so maybe the last statement is a bit dramatic. But I have had my house full of little girls noise for the past six years (almost) so it is first and foremost strange and a little disconcerting. This morning after I found myself alone in the house the first thing I did was clean up the whirlwind everyone had left behind and as I vacuumed the entire first floor without stopping and I might add with my ipod on full volume (what a luxury that was) I could not truly relish my efficiency. While signing along I kept hearing thuds or squeals like phantom children noises, maybe related to the phantom pain one feels when they loose a limb and still feel tingling or pain or itching. I remember after having Ella as I sat in my hospital room holding her in my arms I would feel kicks and movement as though she was still tucked safely inside so I asked the nurse about it alarmed that something was wrong with me. She said that nothing was wrong and that it is actually quite common that or maybe she was just trying to console a crazy first time mother. But here Ella is somehow now old enough to be whisked away on a school bus all by herself, it does not seem possible.When the bus pulled up this morning Nick said where is everyone as the bus appeared empty, that is until it started to round the corner and all these little faces were all staring out barely able to peer out over the bottom of the window. I suddenly feel as though Ella is so vulnerable and there is nothing I can do to remedy that. As I was making her lunch last night and packing it ever so carefully in her new barbie (not my choice for sure) lunchbox I fretted over it like she would be spending a week in the deep woods. I worried about if she doesn't like what I have packed and will she be starving and miserable by the time she gets home? Or is that enough juice for the whole day, I mean at home she can eat or drink whenever the mood strikes her and I am always there to make sure her needs are met. Listen to me glorify my mothering skills as if there were never times when I was swamped with work and instructed her to pick a box of cereal out of the cupboard for snack and share it with her sister. But it was still based on my judgement and my knowledge of my daughter and now Ella will be spending the majority of her waking hours with someone who hardly knows her. I know Ella will love school and this is just me feeling the pain of the first time in a series of many when she will pull away but I had honestly fooled myself in to thinking this transition wouldn't bother me in the least. So here I sit crying and typing and very proud of my smart beautiful big school girl, and her sister too who did so much better than I ever would have guessed on her first day of preschool. Last year when Ella started preschool that did not bother me at all it was a nice little break for me and in a school I had picked just for her and I know Molly will love it there too, but this whole kindergarten thing is much bigger than I expected.
*Disclaimer- may not make as much sense I thought when I was writing it because I was being an emotional sap!

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